Resident Evil: The STARS Chronicles
by iJapan
Summary: A rather different take on the events surrounding the Mansion Incident, where Bravo and Alpha team are sent in to investigate the Arklay Forest. Fight your fears and survive… and try not to give Captain Wesker a headache on the side, ok? R&R, constructive criticism welcomed. Rated T.
1. Enter the survival hilarity

**Resident Evil: The S.T.A.R.S. Chronicles**

**Author's Note:** Ok, first and foremost, I enjoy reading the various parodies people write about the events in the Resident Evil games, and I was eager to give it a try. I love Resident Evil and I thought it would be interesting to create a REwrite of the REmake. In this story, none of the S.T.A.R.S. members die, but rather both Alpha AND Bravo teams try their luck in the Mansion. Also, of course everyone is rather out of character.

I don't own Resident Evil (unfortunately…), all rights belong to Capcom. Those lucky guys. I also don't own the S.T.A.R.S. members or Wesker – though he owns me ;)

Enjoy! Reviews are most appreciated, and I will gladly welcome any and all constructive criticism – flames, on the other hand, will be ignored and deleted. You have been warned. Give all writers a chance guys, seriously.

**Chapter 1: Enter the survival hilarity…**

* * *

"Ok… I can't help but think we made it in here far too easily…" captain of S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team, Albert Wesker, announced as he and his squad entered through the creaking double doors of the Arklay Mansion, Bravo team following close behind led by Captain Enrico Marini. Both teams had been called in to investigate the mansion and surrounding forest, to gather information on the so-called 'murders' which had been reaching the news lately. They had landed the helicopter without any trouble, and had by all means, just waltzed right on into the gargantuan building. Something was up. "Tell me about it," Joseph Frost (aka, 'Bandana Man') of Alpha team, strode up into the centre of the extensive main hall, lifting his head upwards to gaze at the chandelier above before returning his gaze to his teammates. "Those dogs outside were staring at me funny… I have the feeling they were supposed to do something…" "They _are _doing something…" Richard Aiken of Bravo team called out as he motioned for everyone to come look at the window he was staring out of. They did so, and immediately both teams just gawked in disbelief at the group of three or so zombified dogs outside, sitting cross-legged and playing a game of poker. If you ever wondered what your pets do when you leave the house, well… now you know. "Umbrella…" Enrico hissed as his eyes darted back and forth suspiciously at the dogs outside. Wesker just shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on.

_**Flashback to yesterday in the office…**_

Wesker groaned and leant his head in his hands as Joseph and his good buddy Brad Vickers began tearing through the S.T.A.R.S. office, screeching and giggling like excitable five year olds as they drew rather offensive images in permanent marker on Barry Burton's forehead as the old man slept in his chair. Chris Redfield walked through a moment later and immediately fell onto the ground cackling hysterically, allowing Kenneth J. Sullivan to trip and fall over Redfield as he entered the room behind him, a loud _thud_ being audible as he did so. "GODDAMMIT CHRIS!" Kenneth roared as he clutched his shin. Wesker groaned again and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on.

_**Flashback to the present…**_

"Goddamn headaches," the stoic captain growled to himself. Everyone quickly turned around though as a sudden _crash _echoed around the main hall, and both teams span around, guns drawn, to find the source of the noise. They were met with the sight of Chris Redfield standing next to a wooden table, his finger still stretched out mid-air from where he evidently had just pushed a vase off the cabinet and onto the floor, where it lay in shattered pieces. Chris giggled to himself but stopped as he heard the silence in the room, and he slowly turned his gaze to his comrades, his expression guilty. "Oopsie…" he murmured. Everyone sighed. "Right, everyone split up and investigate this mansion," Wesker called out irately as he strode forwards to the centre, gripping his forehead slightly. "Don't report back to me because frankly, I'll be far away from here and trying to find myself a coffee. You all have your radios with you, but for some unknown reason none of them work save for Richard's and Brad's, so if any of you get into trouble, split up and head off separately like we were trained to do at Capcom boot camp. Any questions?" he finished, raising a perfectly sculpted eyebrow behind his trademark sunglasses. Why he wears them at night, no one may ever know. Everyone looked to each other for a few minutes before turning back to face the head captain. Wesker inwardly breathed a sigh of relief - frankly, he didn't feel like talking anymore. "Alright, get out of here," he said dismissively as he turned around and then made to walk to the lowered stairway behind the central staircase. "I'm surrounded by idiots," he muttered to himself.

* * *

The remainder of Alpha and Bravo team watched as the captain left the room, before turning to look back at each other. "FROSTIE!" Brad Vickers broke the silence as he screamed with delight and he and his buddy raced up to each other and chest-bumped. "Yeah man! We're totally going to get to the bottom of this mystery before the rest of youse! See ya suckers!" Joseph called out as he and his fellow idiot in crime headed off up the stairs. "I need me a sandwich," Barry grumbled to himself as he headed hunched over towards the double doors on the left-hand side of the room, gripping the small of his back as he did so, the sound of his bones cracking with every step. Jill Valentine rolled her eyes. "I'm going in there with him," she spoke up after a minute. "They might have a mirror or something in there so I can check if my makeup's been applied correctly. I _knew _I should have brought my bag," she sniffed reprovingly as she followed the old man.

* * *

Meanwhile, Enrico grabbed Richard and Rebecca Chambers by the shoulders and shoved them close to him, his eyes darting back and forth as if he was afraid they would be spotted by someone or something. The two young teammates grimaced as they were crushed to their captain. "Now listen carefully you two, and listen good. There's something not right about this place... there's spies everywhere… oh yes… I'll bet you anything it's to do with Umbrella…" he said in a harsh whisper. Richard and Rebecca just blinked. "Uh, captain? Are… you ok?" Richard stammered. Enrico cackled in a manner which definitely suggested otherwise. "What? Oh yes Ricky, I'm fine. But it's _Umbrella _you have to worry about… oh yes… I just know that Albert has everything to do with it… I've seen him plotting against me, plotting against us all… I bet as soon as we go through one of these doors, we'll be attacked by mutated zombies and other remnants of Umbrella's creations," he continued to hiss sharply, his eyes darting back and forth suspiciously once more. "Uh… ok… sure... by the way, it's 'Richard', sir… not 'Ricky'," Richard spoke slowly after a moment of silence. Enrico paid him no mind, he was continuing to stare madly around him. "Yeah, whatever Ryan," he said absentmindedly as he let the two go, both Richard and Rebecca clutching their shoulders and staring at one another and their captain in disbelief as he rambled forwards, muttering and cursing to himself. "… He's lost it," Rebecca sighed, shaking her head as their captain tripped over a table along the side wall and cursed out "DAMN YOU UMBRELLA!" at the top of his lungs before taking out his gun and emptying three bullets into the furniture. Richard just blinked again and sighed, nodding his head. "Yep. Big time. Let's go," he said as he took the medic by the arm and they walked forwards after their paranoid captain.

* * *

Forest Speyer walked up to Chris and pat him on the shoulder. "It's you and me, little buddy," he said happily as he and Chris walked up the stairs and navigated around towards a door along the very left-hand side. "Yeah! It's me and you!" Chris repeated excitably. "Ok, now what do we do when we go on missions together?" Forest asked, pausing as he was about to turn the door handle. "ALPHA TEAM! ALPHA TEAM! ALPHA TEAM'S THE BEST! BUT WHEN WE HAVE A BRAVO, WE'RE BETTER THAN THE REST! BETSY, BETSY, BETSY! S.T.A.R.S., S.T.A.R.S., S.T.A.R.S.!" the hall became filled with the raucous chanting of Forest and Chris as they linked arms and danced around in a circle, 'Betsy' of course being the grenade launcher Forest was holding onto and cradling lovingly to his chest. "Ok, let's light this candle!" Forest cried with glee as he kicked open the door and readied Betsy. "Yeah! Candles are pretty!" Chris echoed as he gazed at his role-model in awe.

* * *

Kenneth J. Sullivan groaned inwardly as he saw who he was left to partner up with. It was Edward Dewey, the pilot and dance enthusiast of Bravo team. Not waiting to see if the younger man was following, Kenneth immediately stormed off up the stairs to head towards the double doors along the right-hand side. Edward sprinted up the steps after his teammate as soon as he had adjusted his iPod in his ears, and he at once began to hum and perform aerobics moves in time to the music blurting from the earphones as Kenneth opened the door. "Mm YEAH! SING IT BABY!" Edward cried out as he span around and started to moonwalk down the aisle of the second floor of the dining room. Kenneth facepalmed. It was going to be a long night. The next minute he gave a loud cry of "OW!" as he seemingly tripped over nothing and fell, clutching his shin. He still hadn't gotten over his bruise from yesterday either. "It's not '_OW_' Ken, it's 'OOOOWWW'," Edward encouraged as he began singing a Michael Jackson solo, spinning around once more and thrusting his hips up in a rather Michael Jackson-ey fashion. Kenneth debated whether or not to drop the nearby statue on top of Edward's head.

* * *

Wesker settled himself down in the comfortable high backed leather armchair in the control room of the not-so secret mansion laboratory, a rare smile gracing his features as he sipped at a fresh cup of coffee. Now that those idiots were no longer around, he could concentrate on sitting back and enjoying the show. Sooner or later someone was bound to screw up and get everyone else killed. "Huh… might not even have to release the Tyrant either," he mused as he cast a sidewards glance to the monstrosity in the glass tube. He returned his gaze to the video monitors, rubbing his temples and thankful his headache was starting to go away. After a moment, he began to grow bored. He drummed his fingertips against the desk and then sighed and pulled out a copy of a Resident Evil 6 strategy guide from amongst the various files and folders lining the walls. Reclining back in the chair, he began to read. Several minutes passed. Then, echoing through the entire laboratory, his angered cry could be heard reverberating around the walls. "I HAVE A SON?! WHAT THE HELL CAPCOM?!"

_To be continued_…


	2. Betsy - the untold story

**Author's Note: **First of all, thank you so much to my first reviewer, IZINA015, and also to the people who have emailed me about this fic. It really means a lot to me to see that people seem to enjoy this :D *Bows down* Thank you very much :D Now, on with the next chapter! Please keep the reviews and emails coming guys :D Once again, I don't own Resident Evil or any of the characters and all that crap so... yeah.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Betsy – the untold story**

Barry grunted as he tried to open the double doors, heaving and pushing against them with all of his strength. "Just... a… little… more…" he strained as he leant back and heaved himself against the wood again, before a loud _crack _filled the air. "OW! JUMPING JILL SANDWICHES!" he cried aloud in pain as he bent over double, gripping his back from where he cracked it.

Jill sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, stepping over the now-writhing form of Barry Burton and she opened the door with a single push of her hands. Barry glowered at her from where he slowly eased himself up off the ground. "Yeah, easy for you," he grunted. "You're not middle-aged and on the verge of needing a walking stick." Jill just rolled her eyes again and stepped inside the now-revealed extensive dining room. "Wow… a _dining room_," Barry pointed out painfully obviously as he followed his fellow Alpha team member. "You think?" Jill muttered as she quickly strode forward, trying to see if there was some sort of mirror around the place.

She froze when she saw a puddle of luminescent blood on the tiles near the roaring fireplace. "Hey look… _blood_," Barry gasped as he strode up next to her, another loud _crack _echoing around the room as he bent down to examine it. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF BAGUETTES!" he cried out as he gripped his back again. Jill ignored him. She leant down a little to gaze into the shiny surface of the crimson liquid. Barry wiped away the tears watering from his eyes as he too leant down. "I hope it's not _Chris' _blood," he noted as he dipped his finger in and looked at the red stuff on his finger. Jill blinked at him incredulously. "Barry… Chris is in the main hall with the others…" she said slowly.

Barry paused for a minute, as if trying to process this information. "… Oh. Right," he eventually said. Jill rolled her eyes again and swatted him on the head, making the old man cry out again. "BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO—Speaking of which, I'm hungry," Barry added as he slowly got up and creaked his way over towards the dining table and sat himself down, pulling a rather large BLT special out of his pocket and began munching on it happily. Don't ask why he had that in there. He just did. Jill just rolled her eyes for the hundredth time that evening and vaguely wondered in the back of her mind how her eyes had managed to not fall out yet. She then shrugged and pulled out her lip gloss and mascara from her pack, and using the reflection from the blood, she began reapplying her makeup. "Hey Jill, this hall is _dangero_—" "For the love of God Barry, SHUT UP!"

* * *

"Aw man that prank was the _best_," Joseph cackled as he and his fellow idiot in crime Brad continued through a U-shaped corridor upstairs. They had just been reminiscing about the good old days when they placed a garden rake under Kenneth's feet when the elder man had been dozing off in the S.T.A.R.S. lounge room, only to have him wake up with a start and slam his foot down on the edge of the object and get knocked unconscious back in his chair again as it whacked him in the head.

Brad continued to howl with laughter, wiping his eyes. "Yeah, it totally was. Hey Joe, we should _totally _try and prank Captain Wesker… I have a theory about why he doesn't take off his sunglasses…" he began, his eyes lighting with cunning. Joseph stopped in his tracks and looked absolutely thrilled. "No way man..." he breathed. Brad nodded. "Yes way," he replied, but before he could continue, the sound of his radio crackling cut him off. Brad shared a confused look with his buddy before lifting up the radio and speaking into it. "H-hello?" he began tentatively.

He and Joseph blanched as they heard the voice of their captain on the other side of the line. He sounded less than pleased. "If you dare attempt something like that Bradley Vickers, you'll find that you'll lose _far _more than your job here at S.T.A.R.S.," he warned threateningly before ending the transmission. A small "Meep…" emitted from Brad's throat as he trembled in fear, and the next minute Joseph howled with laughter again as he looked down and saw that Brad had wet himself. Brad flushed an angry shade of red and shoved his friend roughly in the arm. "Oh come off it man! The guy's freaking _scary_!" he cried out.

This made Joseph laugh even harder. "You really _are _a chickenheart, aren't you?" he gasped out in between pants for breath. Brad growled and shoved his friend again before making to turn around. He stopped short though as he found himself face to face with a rotting, stinking, repulsive moaning creature – flesh dripping out of its fleshless mouth as it raised its arms and began stumbling forwards as if drunken, its feet making wet, slopping sounds on the floor as it did so. It moaned louder. "… Oh shit," Joseph cut his laughing short as he wiped his eyes and then froze as he too laid eyes on the zombie. Brad smirked as he saw that Joseph had just wet himself as well. "Chickenheart, eh?" he grinned, noticing his friend's discomfort. Joseph just "Meep"ed and the next second, the two span around. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" they took off from the monster as fast as they could possibly go, all the while wondering why the hell there was a sad lack of toilets in this place.

* * *

Captain Albert Wesker sighed in annoyance as he sat back down in the comfortable leather armchair – his brief conversation with Brad hardly helping his mood. He glared darkly through his sunglasses at the smouldering remains of the strategy guide he had just burnt. "That'll teach Capcom to curb their insane ideas," he muttered threateningly.

He sighed again and leant back, folding his arms behind his head as he reclined in his chair, resting his feet against the desk. He gazed up at the monitors as they displayed security footage of the two teams exploring the mansion. "It's going to be a long night," he yawned. "Yep," a voice replied. Wesker sat bolt upright and almost spilt his coffee all over himself as he turned around and saw Tyrant gazing at him from inside its glass tube. "… Great… either I'm going prematurely insane or you're actually talking to me…" Wesker groaned. Tyrant shrugged its shoulders. Yes. It could shrug. "I don't know about going _prematurely _insane… I'm just passing the time until I actually enter the story," it replied. Yes. It could also talk. "So Alby… how've you been lately?" Wesker groaned and attempted to bash his head against the computer desk, wishing that somehow he could find something powerful enough to burn the creature into ashes just like the book.

* * *

Rebecca and Richard continued to sigh heavily as they walked through a long winding corridor, following their captain as he walked out ahead, shrinking back against the walls and hiding behind various marble busts, glancing furtively around him every so often – suspecting danger.

"Remind me why we ended up following him in the first place?" Rebecca mouthed to her teammate as they warily followed. Richard sighed. "Because he threatened to charge us then shoot us for treason and allying with Umbrella, then shoot us again?" he responded quietly. Rebecca blinked. "Yeah… that's why," she groaned. "You two! Shut up back there!" Enrico hissed sharply as he looked at them. "I'm trying to look out for Umbrella spies! They could be anywhere! Even in the walls for all I know!" his eye twitched and he turned around once more, aiming his gun about frantically.

"Captain, with all due respect… there's _no one here_," Richard sighed exasperatedly. Enrico walked up and clapped his hand to the young man's mouth, leaning in close and continuing his suspicious gazing around the room. "You don't know that Raymond," he said in a hushed whisper. "It's _Richa_—" Richard was cut off. "They're devious and cunning, they are… they've already proven what they can do. Dogs! Aha! The dogs, remember? Well they won't get the best of me! Oh no! Enrico Marini will NOT be made a fool of! No one, I repeat _no one _gets the best of Enrico Julia Marini!" he cackled again and then strode off, stealthily creeping towards the first door ahead in the corridor and kicking it open, racing inside.

Richard and Rebecca blinked. "Julia?" Richard repeated a moment later, a smirk forming on his lips. Rebecca turned away and tried to stifle her laughter. "Oh man… I'm really wishing I signed up for Alpha team…" Richard sighed, chuckling to himself as he and Rebecca took their time in following their crazed mental captain.

* * *

Kenneth barged up to the first door he could safely reach along the corridor leading down from the dining room, puffing and panting from the effort it took to race here in the first place. "Seriously, why does _every _door around here have to be locked?" he groaned to himself as he tried the handle and it was, surprise, locked. He just sighed and kicked it down regardless, showing a room filled with nothing but some shelving, a run-down bar and a grand piano.

He hunched over and tried to catch his breath. It wasn't those… _things_ that he was running from, those zombies… it was Edward. That boy had crossed the line when he got so into his Michael Jackson dance-a-thon that he attempted to start doing the Thriller in front of a group of the bewildered looking monsters who just stood there and moaned in confusion. Then things got _really _weird when they started dancing _with _Edward. Now the whole bloody mansion was probably filled with the undead trying out a new career in performing arts and dance.

"I'm gonna kill that boy," Kenneth growled as he made his way over to the piano and took a look at it. Presently he heard the sound of footsteps walking down the corridor outside the room, and the elder man groaned and hit his head against the keys of the piano as he heard none other than Dewey's voice. "Hey that was great guys, thanks so much. Remember, Macarena twice a day, alright? Ok, take care," the younger man called out as he headed inside the room, his face lighting up as he saw his companion. "Ah there you are Ken," he greeted warmly, completely oblivious to Kenneth hitting his head repeatedly over and over on the keys.

"Lovely people that live here, really. Where did you disappear off to? I was hoping you could help me with the second half of the Thriller demonstration…" "I… am going… to kill… you," Kenneth said slowly as he lifted his head a moment later and glared harshly at his comrade. Edward just blinked at him for a moment before laughing. "It's alright buddy, I understand. You don't think you're good enough to be able to do that, am I right? Well how about we start you off with a simple dance then? How about the Nutbush?" Kenneth groaned loudly again at this and resumed beating his head against the piano keys.

Edward looked down at what the object was that Kenneth was abusing himself upon and his eyes widened. "Wow… that's a nice piano… it's been ages since I've played," he breathed in awe. Kenneth immediately lifted his head. "Can you still play?" he asked, his voice hopeful. Edward tapped a finger against his chin, deep in thought. "Well... I might be able to… I guess we'll find out," he replied a moment later. Kenneth grabbed him by the shoulders and forced the younger man down onto the piano chair. Playing the bloody instrument might stop him from doing that God-awful dancing for a while. That was Kenneth's hope, anyway. However he found his jaw dropping as the next minute the most beautiful sounding melody emerged from the keys as Edward began playing an old classic, 'Moonlight Sonata', to complete perfection. Kenneth didn't even notice a wall begin to slide up over by the opposite side of the room, revealing an item that they probably _should _have collected to help them proceed through the mansion.

Jill sighed and rolled her eyes again as she finally finished applying her makeup and turned to look back at Barry, who had just started on the seventh turkey sandwich he had mysteriously pulled out of his pocket, after the three BLT's and a ham and cheese croissant. She gave a noise of disgust and decided to leave the dining room, heading out into the adjoining corridor. She stopped though as at that very moment, she heard the sound of a piano being played. She crept forward cautiously, until she came to a doorway, the door having being kicked wide open, and as she peered inside she blinked in disbelief. There, inside, Edward was sitting at the piano and playing to his heart's content while Kenneth was leaping and pirouetting around the room like a ballerina.

Both men stopped as soon as they looked up and saw their teammate standing there, completely at a loss for words. "… You guys are so weird," she stated blankly as she turned on her heel and went back the way she had come. Kenneth hung his head in shame and Edward looked like he was on the verge of tears. "No one appreciates the fine arts anymore!" he wailed dismally as he banged his head repeatedly against the keys. Kenneth walked over to his comrade and sniffed, patting him on the shoulder. "It's too true, Ed… it's too true…" he sighed, before both men burst completely into tears.

* * *

"Come on Mister Zombie… come out, come out, wherever you are… Betsy and I have a surprise for you," Forest called out in a singsong voice as he and Chris continued down the long terrace on the second floor of the mansion.

"Yeah! Betsy has a surprise for you!" Chris echoed gleefully. Forest smiled down at his adoring fan and pat Chris on the shoulder again, before cradling Betsy to him more and beginning to stroke the grenade launcher as he snuggled it. "My precious…" Forest crooned. Chris looked up at his role-model with awe again. "Hey Forest, there's something I've been meaning to ask you," he began. He didn't get a response. Forest had started purring and continued to stroke Betsy. Chris poked him. "AH! Oh, it's you little buddy. Sorry about that I was, uh…" Forest jumped and stammered awkwardly as he looked back at Chris. Chris just blinked.

"I wanted to ask about how you and Betsy met," he began again. At once a dreamy smile formed on Forest's face, and he spoke up as if recalling the most perfect memory known to man. "Well Chris," he started, "it was on a night, quite like this… the moon was glowing in the cloudy sky, the sound of dogs howling was in the distance, an eerie fog descended upon the mansion…" as he walked forwards, he continued to stroke Betsy. Crows began flapping down and landing on the balcony railing, watching the two teammates. Forest ignored this and continued his dramatic monologue.

"When SUDDENLY!" he cried out, making Chris and the crows jump where they stood, "I SAW HER! Gleaming and shining with a radiance which surpassed the aura of the moon… there I laid eyes on her, and she beckoned to me… her voice was the clear crystal sound of explosions, and as I picked her up in my arms she snuggled into my embrace, trembling and afraid from the fear of the outside world, but my warmth making her feel safe, protected, loved… then, enemies began to swarm upon us," he grew suddenly tense and looked around with searching eyes, his gaze landing upon the crows assembled on the railing.

"Oh shit," one crow murmured to his mate. "Yep," the other replied, nudging their other friend with his wing. "Brian, time to go." The crow called Brian ignored his two friends, tears glistening down his beak. "But I don't wanna! This… this story is so… so beautiful!" he squawked, bursting into even more tears. "And I held Betsy out in front of me, and we stepped closer, and closer," Forest began his monologue again, edging towards the crows with malice in his eyes. "FOR BBBBBBEEEEETTTTTSSSSYYYYYYY!" Forest suddenly let loose his war cry and laughed manically, firing a stream of incendiary grenades into the air and around the balcony, burning everything about him in an orange explosion, the crows smouldering into ash right before his eyes.

When the smoke finally cleared to reveal half the balcony completely destroyed, Forest turned his gaze back to Chris. "And yeah. We're married and have five kids," he finished simply, pulling a rifle off his back, followed by a shotgun, a magnum from his side holster, a handgun from his other side holster, and a couple of hand grenades from his belt. "This is Agatha, Christie, Leonard, Jason, and Abigail," he stated proudly, showing Chris his 'children'. Chris was by now on the floor and bawling his eyes out.

"That… that's… the... m-most… beautiful… l-love story… I-I've ever h-heard," he blubbered. Forest smiled as he replaced his weapons and cuddled Betsy to his chest again. "Yes indeed," he sighed happily. A few moments went by of Chris's continued sobbing, and Forest muttering "My precious..." to Betsy over and over again, until the door to the terrace flew open and Brad and Joseph raced outside. They took one look at the demolished balcony, Chris crying on the floor, Forest stroking his grenade launcher, and the zombie chasing the two idiots in crime falling over the exploded window to face them, and with another cry of "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the two turned around and raced back the way they had come. "Why does everybody do that?" the zombie moaned out as he hung his half-rotten head in despair. Forest sighed and pat it on the shoulder. "Who knows buddy? Who knows…"

* * *

Chapter 3 coming soon :D


	3. UMBRELLA!

**Author's Note: **One again, we're back with the third instalment of _The S.T.A.R.S. Chronicles_... I hope you guys enjoy it :D Also I'm really sorry for the blockiness of my paragraphs, but as soon as I'm able to, I'll go back over all the chapters and see if I can fix it and make it a little easier to read. Damn me and my excessive writing *sigh* ... ANYWAY. ONWARDS!

I don't own anything except my weird-ass imagination.

* * *

**Chapter 3: UMBRELLA!**

_The night slowly continued to draw on. Alpha and Bravo teams were still investigating the mansion, and completely disregarding the need to collect various items along the way. What the guys over at Capcom would have to say to that, I shudder to think. Meanwhile, while the teams were slowly progressing in their… sane… way… Wesker felt his headache worsening…_

"And THAT'S when I turned around, took one look at the guy and said 'Are YOU talkin' to ME, biatch? That is NO way to treat a lady, mister', and I lifted up my scythe-like appendage here, I call him Bob, and I thrust it in that man's chest and threw his lifeless body all the way to some place in Africa called Kijuju. Which, incidentally, is a place where you end up going to in around ten years or so, isn't that right?"

Wesker continued to bash his head against the computer desk and groan – Tyrant had not shut up once since it had started talking to him an hour ago. Frankly Wesker was highly growing fond of the idea of pressing the self-destruct button now just so he won't have to put up with that creature's incessant rambling anymore. Might also get rid of his fast-forming headache, too. He groaned again and rested his head in his hands. "Why won't you _shut up_?" he growled viciously to the monster as he cast a sidewards glance at it. Tyrant just looked at him for a moment before folding its awkwardly aligned arms across its chest. "You know Alby, you don't look so good…" it spoke up after a small while. Wesker let out an exasperated sigh. "I wonder why…" he growled to himself. And that's when he saw it. There, on the computer desk, sat the box containing the syringe of prototype virus he was meant to save, by order of Capcom, until the very end of the night when the two teams would inevitably show up and discover their head captain here. Wesker's lips curled into a smirk. He wasn't one for following orders.

"Anyway, did I tell you about Josie?" Tyrant started up again. Wesker reached out towards the box and opened it, taking out the syringe and tapping it a couple of times with his index finger. "No, you didn't…" he said quietly as he removed the cap. Tyrant seemed to light up at this, delighted it was getting such an amazing audience. "_Well_ Alby, I'm telling you, this story is going to make you laugh so hard 'till you cry… it was a night like this, ten years ago… I was walking home back to my capsule at the Umbrella lab when—" Wesker didn't pay Tyrant any mind as he allowed the creature's words to completely go over his head as he raised his arm and injected the virus. He set the syringe back down on the table and waited a few minutes. "—and she came up to me and started telling me about Melanie, and I looked at her and said—Hey, Alby, are you ok? You're acting a little…" Tyrant paused in its recital as it lowered its head to gaze at Wesker, who was now standing in front of the glass tube. It completely disregarded the dangerous now-glowing red of Wesker's eyes from behind his sunglasses, and just shrugged its shoulders again.

"Anyway, so like I was saying, she came up to me and—" "OH FOR GOD'S SAKES SHUT UP!" Wesker yelled as he threw his fist back and punched it right through the glass capsule, shattering the glass and puncturing the beating heart on Tyrant's chest, crushing it. Tyrant just gazed, surprised, down at the hand that had cut through its heart and with a mumbled stutter of "Tell my fans... I love them…" it fell forward and collapsed as Wesker removed his hand and glanced down at the dead monster with disgust. "Finally, some damn peace and quiet around here," the captain growled as he strode out of the room.

* * *

The wooden door slammed shut as Joseph and Brad heaved themselves against it, puffing and panting from the excessive distance they had to run to escape the zombie that was hunting them. They had finally made it to an outside path leading from the mansion.

"I don't care _what _people say about my manliness, if we make it out of here alive, I am never leaving my room ever again! I wish I was back in my fluffy bed," Brad whimpered as he slid down onto the ground and buried his head in his hands. Joseph slid down next to his buddy. "I hear ya… there's no way I'm leaving my bandanas unattended anymore… I have a whole collection of them at home. If I get killed by one of those _things_ then… then I'll never see them again…" Joseph stammered, tears forming in his eyes. Both men continued to sit there, crying very manly tears as they tried to man themselves up again, and having being manned up once more and now quite manly, they looked at each other and raised their guns and continued down the wet, muddy path.

They took the time to wonder at the fact that they were in the middle of a thunderstorm when they entered the mansion, yet whenever outside there was no sign of any thunder or lightning. Joseph made a sighing remark of "Capcom and their weather patterns…" as the duo passed a signpost, continuing on down towards a graveyard entrance. As soon as the imposing grated fence came into view, the two stopped, looking at each other and wondering whether or not they should risk continuing.

They looked around them though as they suddenly heard the sound of footsteps and people… singing? from somewhere behind them. The idiots in crime just stopped and stared in disbelief as sure enough, none other than Edward and Kenneth came skipping down the lane the two Alpha members had just walked down themselves, arm in arm and singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" at the top of their lungs. Joseph and Brad just blinked with thoroughly bored expressions as the two singing Bravo members skipped up to them, and before they could reach the gate, Joseph stuck out his foot and Kenneth tripped right over it, a pained "OW!" filling the air as he fell head-first into the mud. "YOU FIENDS!" Edward cried out as Joseph and Brad just smirked evilly and tore off through the graveyard gate, giving each other a high five and cackling away as they made their escape.

* * *

"Gee man, that's really sad… so you mean to tell us that's happened your whole life?" Forest and Chris were walking with their newfound friend, the zombie called Fred who was following Brad and Joseph, outside towards a courtyard. Fred had just finished telling them of how people had been running away from him ever since he was a small child.

"Yep… my wh-whole life…" Fred sniffed, bringing up an arm and wiping at the tears from his face, ultimately tearing some hanging flesh away at the same time as he brought his hand down again. Forest pat him on the shoulder again. "Cheer up Fred… you'll find someone. I mean, it took me almost my whole life to find Betsy here, and, well… look at us. True love," he crooned as he stroked Betsy fondly again. Chris lifted his head, looking hopeful. "Does that mean that one day, _I'll _find true love, too?" he asked his role-model. Forest looked down at Chris and blinked. "What, you?" he repeated, slightly incredulous. Chris nodded his head eagerly. Forest blinked again before cracking up laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHA—No." Chris just looked down at the ground and kicked a nearby stone, the rock flying over the hedge and a faraway "OW!" was heard as it undoubtedly copped Kenneth in the face from all the way near the graveyard. "YOU FIEND!" Forest, Chris and Fred ignored Edward's rant as they continued along towards a gate leading into a small maze-like passage.

"There... there _was _one person," Fred spoke up slowly a moment later as the trio headed into a large cabin, marked with the sign 'Residence' over the front door. Forest and Chris looked at their zombie friend. "Really?" Forest asked as they headed down the musty log-cabin corridor. Fred nodded. "She was beautiful…" he began dreamily. "Her name was Margaret. She had long, blood coated hair and the flesh was falling off her face in all the right places… she had the most sweet-sounding groan of 'Braaaaains' that I had ever heard before in my life…" he sighed. Forest and Chris looked like they were about to be sick. "Really? Well… th-that's… that's nice," Forest cleared his throat, "right Chris?" he nudged his adoring fan in the shoulder. "Y-yeah… nice like… rice?" Chris suggested. Forest beat him over the head with Betsy. Fred didn't appear to notice this as they turned into a door marked "Gallery", and entered a large room filled with various trophies and lab equipment.

Just then, a low groan of "Braaaains," filled the air, and the three froze. Fred blinked (well, as well as he could with the flesh peeling away from his eyelids), and he shuffled forwards to the source of the noise. "Can it be? _Margaret_?" he moaned in amazement as sure enough, ambling towards them slowly with her arms spread out in front of her, a zombie that probably would have been a woman had she still been alive came into view. She stopped, before regarding Fred in a look of what could probably be described as joy (had her face not been half fallen out), and she swayed forwards faster.

"Braaains?!" she groaned out. "Margaret!" Fred cried in delight as he swayed towards her as well. "Braaaaains!" Margaret groaned out again as the two drew closer, their arms outstretched as if to embrace in zombie fashion, when with a sudden loud cry of "AAAAAAAAHHHH DIE ZOMBIE!", gunfire sounded and Fred and Margaret fell to the floor with their heads blown off as Brad and Joseph raced past, heading inside only to encounter their worst enemy, and screaming once again in pure terror as they backtracked out of the room.

Forest and Chris blinked with their mouths open in horror as their teammates ran back outside. "Fred?" Forest called out, trying to blink back the tears as he gently nudged the zombie's foot with his boot. There was no response. "FRED!" Forest wailed out as he readied Betsy, murder in his eyes. "I'LL AVENGE YOU! FOR BETSY, FRED AND THE CREEPY CHICK WHO I THINK WAS CALLED MAGGIE!" he roared, his war cry echoing through the entire Residence as he raced out of the room and let loose rampant grenade shells, completely obliterating the walls and the ceiling. Meanwhile Chris just stooped down to the remains of the two zombies, and he stuck his finger out and poked a piece of blood that was pooling on the floor. "… Tastes like chicken…" he said idly as he stuck his finger in his mouth.

* * *

Jill considered beating herself around the head with the shotgun she had managed to locate (being the only member out of both teams to actually bother with collecting various items they came across) as Barry continued to hobble along next to her, muttering and complaining and continuing to state the obvious as he inched forwards bit by bit with the makeshift walking stick he had "acquired" from the dining room (a chair, in other words).

"Hey Jill, that was a close one. A second late, and you would have fit nicely into a sandw—" Jill beat him over the head with the butt of her shotgun. "Don't you ever shut up with that?" she growled in annoyance as he gripped his head and whimpered. "That's no way to treat your elders," he sniffed as he continued shuffling forwards with the aid of his walking chair. "I have a bad back, my ears are starting to fail me, I'm hungry, my haemorrhoids are playing up, and what do you do? You hit me with your shotgun!" he cried out. Jill actually _did _beat herself in the head with her shotgun this time.

"For the love of God Barry, I swear if you don't stop complaining about how old you are, or stating the obvious, I am going to—" "There _must _be a _back door somewhere_… let's try to find _it _first, shall we?" Barry spoke up as they walked past a door and he tried it, only to find out it was locked. "Yeah, you know what, that's a GREAT idea," Jill growled as she unlocked the door with one of the many keys dangling off her waist, and she kicked Barry over the edge of the railing. "WOOOOOOO! I'M 23 AGAIN—OH, NEVER MIND," Barry yelled as he sailed over the edge but then landed hard on the ground a moment later. An answering "OW!" echoing around the woods signified that Barry had landed on Kenneth. "YOU FIEND!" Edward cried out. "Oh shut up you idiots! I can't help it you always have to be in the way!" Barry shouted back. Jill just stood there on the balcony and blinked. "… I'm going to retire early," she muttered before turning around and heading back inside the mansion.

* * *

"UMBRELLA!" "AAAAHHH!" Richard and Rebecca jumped ten feet into the air and clutched their chests as their crazed captain suddenly poked his head out from behind a marble statue, a mad look in his eyes as he cried out to them. "STAY ON YOUR TOES RICARDO AND REBECCA! THEY'RE CLOSE, I CAN FEEL IT!" he roared, cackling insanely as he stepped away from the statue and continued onwards, eventually finding his way outside a large double door. Readying his gun, he burst through, racing into the room inside.

The two young Bravo team members just groaned and sluggishly continued after Enrico, dragging their feet along as slowly as possible. "I'm starting to think he's more terrifying than those zombies we encountered earlier," Rebecca whined as they edged forwards closer. Richard sighed and nodded his head in agreement. Earlier on, they had run into a group of strange, crimson zombies, and upon one look at Enrico, who looked back at them and bellowed "AHA! UMBRELLA!" at the top of his lungs, they screamed and turned around and raced as fast as zombie-ishly possible out the other door. Which was quite fast indeed, seeing as these zombies were particularly agile.

"RAMON! REBECCA! GET IN HERE NOW!" Enrico called out as he stuck his head out around the door and beckoned to them fiercely. Richard and Rebecca took double their time and eventually made it to the double doors, the room inside being revealed as a large library. "Good, now gather around you two," Enrico hissed as he once again crushed the young team members to him. "Umbrella has a strong presence in this room… I can smell it," he began, pausing to sniff the air as if making his point. "Uh, sir… I think that was yo—" "SILENCE!" Enrico loudly cut across Richard. "I will not have you interrupt my thought pattern Reynard!" he continued. Richard looked exceedingly irritated.

"Oh for God's sake it's _Richard _you idiotic, paranoid, frankly homicidal _asshole _of a captain!" he cried out, earning very shocked looks from both Rebecca and Enrico. Enrico just stood there and blinked for a few moments. "YOU'RE WITH UMBRELLA!" he cried out at length. Richard groaned and attempted to beat his head repeatedly against the doorframe.

Just then, a loud hissing noise drew the three's attention and they turned around only to come face to face with a gigantic, venomous looking snake. "… I hate snakes," Richard sighed as he looked at it. Rebecca screamed and made to hide behind a bookcase as the snake reared back, making to lunge at them, when all of a sudden Enrico stepped forth in front of the monstrous serpent. "BEGONE, DEVIL OF THE LABORATORY! I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO A MOST PAINFUL DEATH, AND DEATH TO YOUR FOUL MASTERS AT UMBRELLA INC.!" he roared as he dramatically raised his gun to the creature's head. The snake just flicked its forked tongue in lazy regard as it eyed Bravo team's captain. "FOR I AM THE SOLE KNIGHT AND PROTECTOR OF RACCOON CITY, AND I CLEANSE THIS LAND OF ALL MONSTROSITIES EVER TO GRACE TH—" he gets cut off as the snake suddenly lunges down and swallows him whole, flicking its tongue in satisfaction as an Enrico-sized lump can be seen gradually descending down its long pale body.

Richard and Rebecca just look up at the snake and blink. "Cheers," they say as the snake begins to slide around and come back the way it came. "Anytime," the snake responds, hissing happily as it makes its departure. Richard and Rebecca just smile happily and turn around, heading back out of the library and ignoring the muffled cry of "DAMN YOU UMBRELLA! Wow… it sure is dark in here…"

* * *

A very disgruntled looking Edward followed by an equally disgruntled and extremely beat-up looking Kenneth began their way towards the graveyard, leaving Barry to continue groaning and complaining about his bad back from where he landed in the mud. Kenneth muttered threats to himself as he tried simultaneously nursing his bandaged head, bandaged arms, and bandaged legs as he hobbled along on crutches as he and his friend continued by.

"Why is it always _me_?" he grumbled. Edward shrugged. "I don't know buddy… although if you _would _do a little more dance practice, you could work on your agility when it comes to dodging stuff…" he trailed off at the intense look Kenneth fired at him. "If it wasn't for your bloody Thriller dancing we wouldn't even be _in _this mess," he growled. Edward huffed and put his hands on his hips. "Well _excuse _me! I can't help it if I'm popular around here!" he replied indignantly. "Would you two shut up for a minute and come lend an old man a hand? I think I've broken somethi—AHHH PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!" Barry cried out as his back cracked again.

Edward and Kenneth just rolled their eyes and continued along the path leading into the graveyard, glancing dubiously around at the headstones littered here and there. "Hey, is that Captain Wesker?" Edward suddenly cried out as he gripped Kenneth's arm, ignoring the pained "OUCH!" that fell from his friend's lips as he did so, and he pointed towards a tall figure heading towards them. Sure enough, the sunglasses unmistakeable, Wesker continued to make his way forwards and stopped as he was within a few feet's distance from them.

"Captain, where were you?" Kenneth managed to say at length. Wesker just raised his brows slightly in amusement at seeing the Bravo member completely bandaged from head to foot. "Doing what you probably should have been doing, Kenneth," he replied coldly. "I thought this was an investigation, not a hospital trip?" at this, Kenneth grumbled again. "Yeah I probably WOULD have been doing some investigating if everyone hadn't kept on bloody ganging up on me," he continued to grumble. Wesker just smirked and continued to approach, sticking his foot out casually as Edward helped Kenneth hobble along again, effectively causing Kenneth to trip and fall over his boot face first into the mud again as he did so. "OW!" he cried out painfully. "YOU FIEND!" Edward yelled as Wesker passed, the latter smirking again and waving his hand as he left them. "Close enough," he stated simply as he walked out of the graveyard.

* * *

Chapter 4 should be out soon enough. Please review :D


	4. Lisa's got a gun

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the wait, there's been lots of things going on lately which meant I couldn't get this chapter uploaded as quick as I originally intended. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it :D I don't own Capcom or Resident Evil. Damn it.

**Chapter 4: Lisa's got a gun**

* * *

_Through sheer luck, spite, and overall questionable sanity levels, both Alpha and Bravo teams found themselves out of the myriad of traps laid in the mansion (none of which the S.T.A.R.S. members actually came across, because they defied Capcom's wishes and just walked straight outside without bothering to abide by the rules of Resident Evil – thereby cutting hours of potentially useless play time. Capcom staff, eat your hearts out), and were once more thrown into the myriad of avoidable traps found within the courtyard and Residence… _

Barry continued to mutter and grumble to himself as he ambled along slowly with his walking chair, cursing his teammates for leaving him, and for the way he was being treated by those who were _supposed _to be showing a poor old man with a bad back and a hunger problem some respect. "Bah! Respect!" he grumbled again. "There's no respect these days! Why when I was a young man, _everyone _would show respect. Oh yes, even the young'uns… Nowadays—" he gets cut off as he suddenly slumped down on his chair and fell fast asleep, his head falling back and a snoring so loud issuing from his mouth that it was enough to wake the dead after their already wakened state, and possibly re-kill said living dead and thereby saving the American government billions of dollars for not having to eradicate Raccoon City. Barry Burton is therefore the real hero of the story, folks. He's just too asleep all the time to realise it.

While he was snoring away and muttering something to do with various kinds of sandwich styles in his sleep, Jill walked up from the double doors leading out of the mansion shed, and she froze in her tracks as she saw her nemesis sitting there. She looked quite beat up and bruised after having spent the last hour running around killing zombies, Crimson Heads, Cerberus, that Crimson guy in the coffin in the cemetery, and chasing around and unlocking doors and attempting puzzles _all _to get some items which may or may not necessarily be needed later on. Frankly she was the only one to take any of this seriously. Someone clearly didn't read the memo.

She cautiously inched her way forwards, tip toeing past the sleeping Barry, and quietly pulled out a permanent marker from her pocket and, taking a leaf from Brad and Joseph's book, began to draw something on the old man's forehead while he slumbered. She smirked quite proudly to herself as she then replaced the marker and continued on her way towards the Residence. She stopped in her tracks though as Barry suddenly grunted and stirred, blinking and looking around before finally seeing her standing there.

"Jill! There you are!" he cried out. "Come help an old man out of his chair, would you?" Jill just looked at him with an expression which clearly stated she would rather do otherwise. And that was when she saw it. The magnum that Barry carried with him wherever he went. She had started to build up a small little gun collection of her own whilst in the mansion, and she still hadn't acquired a magnum yet. She walked forward and went to pick it up. "It's a weapon! It's _really_ powerful, _especially_ against _living thin_—" Barry's warning was cut off as Jill beat him around the head with the butt of his magnum, and he was knocked unconscious. "Huh. True that," she smiled as she pocketed the weapon and continued on her merry way.

* * *

Richard and Rebecca had never felt so happy in all their lives as they proceeded through the mansion and out into the courtyard, taking their time to investigate things to their hearts content without having to suffer the inane verbal ramblings of their late captain. "Hey Richard, where do you think this leads?" Rebecca asked as she pointed towards a cave-like area underneath a waterfall in the backyard terrace. Richard shrugged his shoulders. "Only one way to find out," he said as they began to walk towards it. They continued on inside the damp, cold passage and then carefully lowered themselves down a ladder which seemed to lead into some sort of catacomb-like mining area below the mansion estate.

They gazed around them in surprise before continuing. Presently they became aware that they were not the only ones there. Carefully raising their weapons, they proceeded cautiously as they came to a turn in the path ahead, seeing a shadow of movement and hearing the sound of footsteps, and as they stepped closer, their weapons readied higher, they turned the corner and prepared to rush forth and fight their way through the zombie that was—"OH FOR THE LOVE OF RESIDENT EVIL FIVE," Richard cried out as he swore sharply and beat his head against the rocky wall as with a loud cry of "AHA! _There_ you are Robert!" none other than supposed deceased captain Enrico Julia Marini strolled up briskly and clapped his hands around Richard's and Rebecca's backs.

Rebecca looked like she was seriously struggling with some internal desire to shoot her captain in the face. "Well I must say, you two look exceptionally pleased to see me!" Enrico laughed jovially as he evidently took the expressions of pure unwavering we-are-going-to-kill-you-now hate within his young teammate's gazes to be looks of complete and utter shock and delighted disbelief at his appearance. "How are you still alive?" Richard growled irritably as Enrico continued to crush the two to him. "Well my lad, it was like this…" Enrico began mysteriously, his voice lowered to a whisper. "I waited, deep inside the belly of that demonic creature, plotting my escape and dreading with every second waisted that I would never see the light of day again—" "Pity about that…" Rebecca muttered under her breath, but Enrico ignored her, "—when suddenly… I raised my weapon and with intent, purpose and cunning, I fired my single last bullet remaining – my hopes all depending on one small, little thing – and with an ear-splitting cry of agony the creature hissed and then finally laid still. The light in its eyes, was no more. I cut myself free of its stomach, and stumbled out, hardly able to believe that I was free of that accursed tomb, and able to breathe the fresh air once more. FOR NO ONE GETS THE BEST OF ENRICO MARINI!" he suddenly raised his voice into a triumphant yell, causing the two young Bravo members to grip their ears and groan.

Presently, their insane captain turned his gaze back to them. "And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide," he began, sounding remarkably like Gandalf from Lord of the Rings, "to lay waste to the impurity of Umbrella, and to—" "SHUT UP JULIA!" Richard and Rebecca yelled as they lifted their guns and beat Enrico around the head with them, causing the captain to slump to the floor unconscious. "I swear, if he doesn't leave us alone I'm going to tie him up in a body bag and send him straight to Umbrella myself," Richard muttered under his breath as he and his teammate turned around and made to go back the way they had come. Rebecca nodded in agreement. "YOU'RE WITH UMBRELLA! I KNEW IT!" Enrico cried out from where he was supposedly passed out. "OW!" he cried out again a moment later as Richard sharply kicked a stone and it hit him in the head, knocking him back against the ground again. The two Bravo members turned around and left.

* * *

Brad and Joseph paused briefly in their tracks to administer their ritual chest-bumping before continuing to stroll along the grassy path past the graveyard, their cackles of laughter at having payed Kenneth out yet again filling the air as they made their way onwards. Presently they were aware of what appeared to be a cabin looming ahead in the near-distance, and they shrugged as they stepped forwards to take a closer look. "You know, this could be a great base of operations for us," Joseph mused as they stood in front of the wooden door. Brad snickered at this prospect – the idea of luring the S.T.A.R.S. members to this little cabin to inflict a never-ending array of practical jokes on them was a classic.

"Halt! This cabin is owned and protected by the laws of Capcom! Who are you?" a raspy voice suddenly called out. The idiots in crime span around and their eyes widened as they saw a bent figure shuffle slowly towards them, the figure was monstrous, yet could have been feminine once upon a time. Her hands were clawed and chains were about her wrists, and the rattling of these chains filled the still air as she moved. Her skin was ripped and deformed, a face crudely sewn onto the sagging bony skull of her head, and she wailed a spine-shuddering wail. All in all she didn't look too happy.

"Uh… we're with S.T.A.R.S…" Joseph began as the monster-girl inched forwards closer. "Who're you?" "Name's Lisa," the monster-girl apparently called Lisa replied. She was now in front of them and she looked at them carefully under the barely visible things that could be called eyes. "Uh… not to be rude or anything but… what are you doing here? And what _are _you, exactly?" Brad stammered. Lisa looked at him. "I'm the watchman here, and some girl Umbrella took in as a test subject about thirty years ago. They said they were just going to give me a makeover, but I think they took that a little too literally somehow," she answered, shrugging her bulking shoulders. Joseph snorted and turned away to hide his face for a moment. "You think?" he muttered quietly to his friend. Brad had to hide his smirk behind his hand. "S-sorry to hear that," Joseph said to Lisa, still trying to hide his laughter. The monster-girl shrugged again. "S'ok," she said. "Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't let you two go through here," she added, straightening up a little. Brad and Joseph promptly stopped sniggering. "How come?" they asked, confused. Lisa shrugged again and managed to pull out a checklist from God knows where, and she held it out in front of her as best she could with her hands clapped in iron, and slowly read from the list.

"Because you two have one: breached the laws of Capcom and made your way through the mansion without obeying the rules of Resident Evil… two: committed unlawful abuse on your comrade Kenneth J. Sullivan—" "He kinda deserved it though," Brad said in an offhand tone to the monster-girl, who looked up at him and shrugged again. "No matter how true that may be, it's still an offence Bradley," she reminded him. Brad visibly bristled. "The last one to call me that was my captain," he said uncomfortably. Lisa blinked (or tried to). "He'll be dealt with later, too," she answered in a bored tone before continuing, "three: ignoring and committing manslaughter on one Fred the zombie, who was just trying to talk to you two and is now being put to rest with his significant other, Margaret the zombie, after you so cruelly ended their lives—" "WHAT?!" Joseph and Brad cried out in unison. Lisa looked up from her checklist and stared at them. "Zombies have feelings too, apparently," she shrugged once more. Joseph and Brad looked like they were about to throw a tantrum. "What else have you got on that list of yours?" Brad asked irritably. Lisa held out the clipboard and the idiots in crime widened their eyes as they saw the extensive list that carried on for not just one, but five pages.

"… Well. Shit," Joseph blinked. "Four: swearing," Lisa continued. Joseph's mouth fell open. "WHAT?" he cried out again. "Five: arguing with your superior," Lisa went on. Joseph kicked the ground. "Six: disrupting nature," Lisa droned on. Brad burst into laughter. "Seven: laughing at your friend's expense," Lisa added. It was now Brad's turn to gaze at her in disbelief while Joseph cracked up laughing. "Now just _wait a minute_," Brad spoke up angrily, "if you think for even a minute that we're going to stand here and listen to all this crap from you—" "Eight: being a smartass and answering back," Lisa interrupted. "Should I continue gentlemen?" she was finally met with silence from the two idiots in crime. Giving a satisfied smile (to the best of her ability), she replaced the clipboard God knows where and then Brad's and Joseph's jaws dropped as she then pulled out a massive gatling gun and readied it, pointing the humongous barrel straight at their chests. "I'm very sorry Bradley and Joseph," she said in a tone which stated that she felt otherwise, "but you two shall be missed. Any last words?" "Yeah…" the idiots in crime gulped as she stepped forwards closer, gun raised and beginning to whir a little, "… FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—" they screamed and raced away as fast as they could, Lisa chasing after them with the gun blazing and bullets riddling the air around them. "BEING A HERO IS HIGHLY OVERRATED!"

* * *

Wesker continued to make his way towards the Residence, another cup of coffee in his hands which he had just taken from the outside vending machine which apparently never-existed-there-before-but-does-now-thanks-to- the-wonderful-guys-at-Capcom, and he slowly sipped away at it as he headed inside the wooden building, glad to have not run into anymore of those idiots running around. "Honestly, I don't know why I even bothered to sign up for this," he sighed as he continued walking along. Thankfully his second recently acquired headache was starting to disappear.

He paused though as he heard noises, and he stepped slowly around the corner, his body tense and alert thanks to his newly acquired superpowers which probably wouldn't leave him in good standing with said wonderful guys at Capcom due to their premature use. 'Screw 'em. I'm the antagonist, I can do whatever I want', the captain thought to himself as he mentally shrugged this thought to the back of his mind. He raised his brows as he fixed his eyes upon the absolutely demolished corridor, Forest standing there in the centre with his beloved grenade launcher by his side. "Wesker!" the Bravo member called out in recognition as he turned around to see Alpha team's captain standing there. "Not to be rude, Speyer but… what the hell did you do to this place?" Wesker asked coolly as he looked around him. "What the hell are you doing with a cup of coffee?" Forest asked back as he looked at the cup in Wesker's hands. "Captain's privileges," the latter replied with a sneer. Forest looked at him with an expression that clearly showed he would give anything to be a captain right now.

"Mm… coffee…" Wesker casually commented and he smirked in amusement at Forest's obvious wish to have a cup of the beverage at that very moment. Forest shifted uncomfortably. "I believe you were about to give me an excuse as to _why _exactly you demolished this place?" Wesker continued, raising an eyebrow behind his sunglasses. Forest cleared his throat a little and straightened up a bit. "Well, Betsy and I were—" "I tend to prefer a cappuccino over a long black, but this will do for now," Wesker mentioned quietly as he sipped at his coffee again, watching Forest's discomfort increase with great amusement. "—working to avenge the death of our friend, Fred… he was a zombie who had just met—" "You know, nothing beats the aroma of coffee in the morning," "—met the love of his life, this zombie called Miranda, a-and—" "I'm thinking about putting a coffee machine in the office back at headquarters…" "—and… they w-were killed by Brad and J-Joseph—" "although I'm also thinking a latte wouldn't be a bad idea right now, either… something wrong, Forest?" Wesker smirked as he looked at Forest's strained expression as the younger man had stopped talking for a moment, going an amusing shade of red.

Wesker slowly raised the coffee cup to his lips again, and made an act of slurping the drink really loudly and showing his thorough enjoyment of the hot beverage. He had to try and stop himself from spitting it out all over the place as Forest clenched his hands and began to splutter a little, before gripping Betsy tightly and racing out of the corridor. Feeling quite pleased with tormenting the young Bravo member, Wesker continued on his way through the Residence, making for the laboratory once more and smirking to himself all the way there.

* * *

Chris looked up from where he was still guiltily dipping his finger into the puddle of blood on the floor as Forest barged back inside the Gallery. "Hey Forest, there's some chicken soup here if you want some… it's tasty," Chris giggled as he stuck his finger in his mouth again. Forest just stopped short and blinked at his adoring fan in disbelief. "… That's not chicken soup…" he began slowly. Chris looked confused.

"Really? Then what is it?" he asked, still sticking his finger in his mouth. "It's blo—uh… tomato sauce… yeah… that's it…" Forest muttered dismissively as he went up to the other man and pulled him up. "Come on Chris, we have to go," he continued, dragging Redfield behind him. "Oooh, where are we going next?" Chris clapped his hands for joy as he began skipping after his role-model. "To find myself a coffee," Forest muttered grumpily. "But Forest, that's a captain's privile—" "I DON'T CARE! BETSY AND I WANT A COFFEE!" Forest cried out as he continued on his way determinedly.

Chris just blinked and continued to follow his friend without another word as Forest led him outside the Residence, and, his eyes lighting up with glee, Forest saw the vending machine that was situated along the outside. "I'll be just a moment…" he said as he walked up to it, inserted some money, and then waited. The machine beeped for a couple of seconds before a message appeared on the screen: _Captain's use only. Forest Speyer, keep dreaming. _"DAMMIT!" Forest yelled as he beat the machine with his fist. Chris just blinked at the man now sobbing and clutching Betsy to him dismally, and he slowly backtracked into the Residence, making his way back to the Gallery so he could continue eating his chicken soup.

* * *

Kenneth and Edward continued to sulkily make their way through the graveyard, having managed to fall over each other once more after Kenneth tried to get himself up from having been tripped up yet again. It seemed that everyone had something against him. "Bastards…" he growled under his breath as he hobbled along on his crutches. Edward had fallen silent for the time being and was bobbing his head up and down in time to another song playing on his iPod, thrusting his hips back and forth as he did so and performing rather complex dance moves as he leaped and strutted over the path.

Kenneth rolled his eyes and was careful to facepalm in such a way that it wouldn't disturb the bandages on his head. Presently he paused in his grumbling as he heard what appeared to sound like a rather heavy machine gun firing in the distance, accompanied by high-pitched screams. A smirk crossed his lips as he recognised those screams immediately – they belonged to Brad and Joseph. "What's that?" Edward asked presently as he took his iPod out, having heard the sounds as well. Kenneth was saved the trouble of replying as sure enough, Brad and Joseph flew down the path towards them a moment later, looks of pure comical terror on their faces as they screamed away. A huge deformed monster-girl bearing a gatling gun chased after them, bullets blazing.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! SHE'S INSANE!" Brad and Joseph screamed to the two Bravo members as they raced up to them. Kenneth just looked at the monster-girl and calmly stuck his crutch out, the creature crying out and tripping over, landing face first in the mud. "OW!" The four teammates looked down at the now-unconscious creature before turning to look back at each other. "Wow, thanks man," Joseph breathed in relief. "No problem…" Kenneth said as he picked up the gatling gun. "Uh… Ken? W-what are you doing with that?" Brad asked cautiously as he saw the older man raise the barrel. The next second Brad's and Joseph's eyes widened and their jaws dropped again. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF CAPCOM!" they screamed out the next second as Kenneth laughed manically and chased after them, spraying machine gun bullets all over the place. "GET BACK HERE YOU TWO!" he roared, following them in hot pursuit. Edward just blinked and watched as his friend screamed bloody murder and a choice selection of various other swearwords from his mouth as he raced after the two idiots in crime, before he slowly lifted his iPod back to his ears. "_You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal_—AOOW!" he sang as he span around and began moonwalking all the way back to the courtyard.

* * *

Chapter 5 (it will also be the final chapter) shall hopefully be out soon :D ... When I get off my lazy butt and think of some ideas :P


	5. Capcom did WHAT now!

**Author's Note: **Ok, so FINALLY after well over a month, the last chapter is finished. I apologise for how long it's taken me to upload, but being able to write stories which make absolutely no sense whatsoever is quite a brain strain :P Anyway, without further ado, let us continue.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Capcom did WHAT now?!**

_The final frontier. Alpha and Bravo teams had finally managed to make their way through the mansion courtyard, only to find themselves once more in the main hall and heading down the path behind the central staircase. Which, if any of them had used what little semblance of intelligence they had in the first place, they would have realised remained unlocked for the whole entire night – therefore making the entire five or so hours of pointless rambling around with their insane antics just that. Pointless. Someone should consider re-naming S.T.A.R.S. from Special Tactics and Rescue Service to Supremely Tactless and Retarded Squad. Just sayin'. Anyway, continuing…_

"So what you're saying is even after _all _that, he still wouldn't shut up about his conspiracy theory?" Jill asked incredulously as she, Rebecca and Richard began the trek down the narrow staircase leading towards an underground altar area. The three had met up when they were each re-entering the mansion, and the two Bravo members were recounting their rather tragic ordeals with their insane paranoid, psychotic captain. "Yep," Rebecca sighed heavily as they then entered another outside area, only to be met with a fountain with stone animals along either side, small indentations embedded within these sculptures which seemed to have been made to house something.

"Ok, that's clearly not meant to be important or anything…" Richard noted indifferently as he spared a fleeting glance at them. "Wait a minute! I have the medals here… just give me a second," Jill cried out happily as she fished around in her pockets to pull out two medallions a moment later, one carved in the likeness of an eagle, and the other in the image of a wolf. Richard and Rebecca blinked at her. "Uh… Jill? What are you doing?" Richard asked as Jill ran around to each statue and placed the medals in the indentations, straightening herself up a moment later and looking quite proud of her accomplishment. "The medals unlock the secret entrance under the fountain. I spent all night trying to find these," she stated. The Bravo members continued to blink. "… The entrance is already opened…" Rebecca said slowly as she extended her finger to point to the, sure enough, already revealed staircase under the fountain.

Jill stared at it for a couple of seconds. "What?" she asked dumbly a moment later. Richard and Rebecca facepalmed. "You DO realise that you take things too seriously, right?" Rebecca spoke up, raising an eyebrow. Jill spluttered a little. "B-but… the medallions… the zombies… the mansion… are you saying I went through ALL of that for absolutely _nothing_?" she cried, her voice rising an octave. "Yeah, pretty much," Richard stated simply, walking up and patting her on the back. "Chill Jill, have a sandwich," he added as he and Rebecca continued down the staircase, leaving Jill to scream out in frustration and bash her head repeatedly against one of the nearby statues.

* * *

"_Billie Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl who claims that I am the ooonnnee, but the kid is not my ssssooonnn _– AOOOW! YEAH!" Edward continued to sing as he thrust his hips again and performed accompanying Michael Jackson dance moves all the way back to the mansion. He paused in his performance though as he vaguely heard the sound of shouting interrupting his music, and, less than pleased, he turned off his iPod for a minute to listen. It sounded like someone was going off their heads about something. Edward's eyes widened in horror a moment later though as he saw none other than Enrico come barging along the path, screaming profanities about Umbrella at the top of his lungs.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit –_SON OF A BIT—_" "EDWARD MY BOY!" Enrico roared, being too quick for the younger man and preventing him from making his escape as he walked briskly up to him and clapped him around the back. Edward grimaced painfully. "C-captain…" he stammered, trying to not look like his whole life was ruined. "I thought you were with Richard and Rebecca… _please leave me alone_," he added, whimpering in a quiet undertone. "No I lost sight of them. Damn boy's with Umbrella. I'll get Rufus for every penny he's got, the traitor!" Enrico cried out angrily as he pulled Edward along by the arm, his eyes glaring darkly about him as he strode purposefully towards the mansion. He ignored Edward's continued whimpering and pleads for him to let him go. "YOU'RE COMING TOO, SAD-AND-DISTRESSED-YOUNG-WOMAN-WHO-I-CAN'T-REMEMBE R-THE-NAME-OF," Enrico yelled out again as he dragged Edward past the outside fountain area a moment later, reaching down and yanking up Jill from where she was sprawled on the ground, still wailing dismally. She paused in her tears for a moment as she blinked and looked up in confusion, first at Enrico, and then at Edward who gave her a grim and embarrassed smile. "Hey Jill," he said quietly. "Hey Edward… no offence, but… what the hell?" she hissed, motioning to Enrico as he dragged them down the fountain staircase. Edward sighed miserably. "Don't… even… ask…" he groaned. "WE HAVE A TRAITOR AMONG S.T.A.R.S. AND WE ARE GOING TO BRING HIM DOWN, ALONG WITH UMBRELLA!" Enrico bellowed as he continued to pull his suffering teammates along with him, reaching the bottom of the stairs and heading down a lift and then opening a door and storming through what appeared to be a derelict basement area, designed as a prison and research facility.

"Who, Wesker?" Jill spoke up. Enrico paused for a minute and then span around to look at her. "What about him?" he asked. Jill and Edward continued to blink at him. "The traitor…" they said slowly. Enrico continued to look at them with a blank expression on his face. "No, I meant Rupert," he responded as if it was painfully obvious. "What? No he's not! Wesker's the—" "Now you two, don't go meddling in affairs which do not concern you!" Enrico cut Edward and Jill off, speaking over them loudly, "Captain Wesker is a perfectly decent fellow, and even though he has a criminal record in terms of being affiliated quite heavily with Umbrella and luring us here to the mansion to inevitably kill us off one by one and gaining superhuman powers from some prototype virus and being our main adversary, that does _not_ make him a traitor to us and a prime suspect with Umbrella's operations here in Raccoon City and the mansion. Besides, despite the fact that he blackmailed me over our afternoon break at the S.T.A.R.S. headquarters yesterday, he's still a swell guy," he continued, turning around and huffing as he headed on his way, dragging the Alpha and Bravo members behind him once more. Jill and Edward could only blink in disbelief. "It's the sunglasses, isn't it?" Jill murmured to Enrico as he dragged them down another staircase. Enrico immediately sniffed and burst into tears. "Yes, yes it is," he cried. "I always wanted shades that looked that cool!" Edward and Jill just stood there and awkwardly pat the blubbering Bravo team's captain on the shoulder.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Brad and Joseph continued to scream at the top of their lungs as they raced away, desperately trying to rid themselves of Kenneth, the bandaged Bravo member yelling at them as he chased after them with the gatling gun. "COME BACK HERE YOU TWO!" he roared, the barrel of the machine gun whirring. "NO! YOU'RE MEAN!" Brad and Joseph cried back as they continued to race ahead. Suddenly, they noticed the staircase leading down past the fountain, and they sped towards it, accidentally knocking over Barry who at that moment had begun to hobble his way forwards on his walking chair. "DAMN YOU, YOUTH OF TODAY!" he bellowed as he shook his fist threateningly at the retreating forms of the duo. "DAMN YOU, OLDER GENERATIONS!" he bellowed once more as Kenneth raced up and knocked Barry over again as the old man slowly tried to get to his feet. Both Kenneth and the idiots in crime ignored Barry's rants and continued their chase down towards the staircase.

"OW!" Kenneth cried out painfully a moment later as he tripped and fell down the stairs head-first, landing sprawled on the floor below. Brad and Joseph stopped and gave each other a high five, before screaming at the top of their lungs again as Kenneth growled and made to push himself up, but not before going "OW!" again as Lisa suddenly jumped down the stairs and beat him around the head with the gatling gun as she took it back. "Nine: stealing property and assaulting the owner," she growled at the elder man before lifting her gaze back to the two Alpha members. "… Is it too late to lodge an appeal?" Brad squeaked. The gun barrel began to whir again. "Guess so. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—" Brad and Joseph screamed again as they quickly dashed into the elevator and tried to make their desperate escape as Lisa came after them once more. "Damn you idiots!" Kenneth cried out as he rubbed his head and tried to get back to his feet again. "Damn you haemorrhoids!" Barry cried out from somewhere in the distance.

* * *

"Forest… I _really _don't think that's such a good idea…" Chris warned as he and his role-model began making their way back towards the mansion. Forest ignored him and continued to stomp onwards, dragging the vending machine from the Residence behind him as he did so. "Betsy and I want a coffee… and that's exactly what we're going to get," he growled to Chris. "Isn't that right, my precious?" he crooned a moment later, raising Betsy and gazing at the grenade launcher adoringly before plastering the weapon with kisses. Chris just raised his eyebrows and whistled incredulously to himself and made a "he's loopy" gesture with his finger circling his ear as he walked past Forest. He was considerably bad tempered since Forest had dragged him forcefully away from his chicken soup, and he was still hungry.

"I'll show him 'captain's privileges'…" Chris heard Forest mutter threateningly behind him. Redfield rolled his eyes. "He was cooler before he wanted that coffee…" he sighed as he continued walking out ahead. "What was that?" Forest asked sharply, looking up at Chris as he heard him muttering to himself. "Nothing," Chris replied quickly, not looking behind him as he strolled onwards. "Oh yes my precious… curse him, we hates him," Forest hissed as he resumed stroking Betsy. Chris just raised his eyebrows at this again and shook his head, suddenly looking up as he noted a figure in the distance. With a sigh he saw that it was Barry. "CHRIS! HELP AN OLD MAN, WOULD YOU?" Barry called out as he saw Chris approach from where he was still sprawled on the floor and struggling to get up. Chris just walked right past him. "DAMN YOU GORILLAFIELD!" Barry yelled out, shaking his fist at the younger man as he ignored him. He then turned his gaze to Forest who walked up a moment later, still dragging the vending machine behind him. "Oh for the love of that pilot called Mike in Resident Evil 4, will _no one _help an old man here?" Barry cried dismally as Forest ignored him much like his adoring fan had done a few moments before. "Not unless you give me and Betsy a coffee!" Forest growled as he beat Barry around the head with his grenade launcher. "AAAH SIX-INCH MEATBALL SUB!" Barry cried out as he gripped his back, even though he was hit in the head. "DAMN YOU STRANGE CAFFEINE ADDICTED MAN WHO HAS FETISHES FOR SHINY ARTILLERY!" Forest ignored the old man's rant and continued grumbling darkly to himself as he followed Chris down the stairway, leaving Barry to grip his back and curse all the S.T.A.R.S. members to sandwichland.

* * *

Wesker ignored the sound of footsteps entering the laboratory, not even turning around to spare the intruders a second glance as his gaze remained fixated on the screen in front of him. "Oh come on, come on, come on, come on, _come on_…. SON OF A BITCH!" he groaned as he threw the game controller down on the desk. He had just died for the seventh time in a row on the last boss fight against him in his Uroboros form on Resident Evil 5. "Tentacles aren't even practical! What the _hell _were Capcom thinking when they designed this shit, anyway? They're lucky I don't go over to them right now and give them a good Mustang Kick right up their fuc—" "Wesker?" "AAAH!" Alpha team's captain span around and tried his best to throw a stack of papers on the game monitor to hide his "research" as he came face to face with Richard, Rebecca, Enrico, Jill, Edward and Chris all staring at him and blinking rather incredulously. The blond tyrant cleared his throat and regained his composure, straightening his sunglasses a little before fixing them with a cold gaze. "So… you've finally made it," he sneered. Everyone else just blinked again.

Presently, the sound of screams could be heard echoing down the corridors outside, and sure enough, Brad and Joseph bowled into the room and dashed behind a set of tall glass capsules, Lisa barging in a moment later with her gatling gun roaring. As soon as she saw Wesker though, she ran towards him instead. "Ten: completely disobeying Capcom's strict orders and using the prototype virus given to you well before you were instructed to take it, as well as drinking coffee and playing Resident Evil games when you were _meant _to be collecting data on the S.T.A.R.S. membe—" she was cut off as Wesker sighed and walked up to her, kicking his leg out with such force she got sent flying through the wall and she crashed to the ground somewhere outside the laboratory. "Woah, thanks captain!" Brad and Joseph breathed in awe, their jaws dropped. "No problem," Wesker replied as he walked back to the computers. "Now, where were we?" he continued as he leant against the wall and smirked as he looked at his 'teammates'.

"Wesker! You're a traitor!" Chris cried out as he pointed his finger accusingly at his captain. "OW!" he then cried out as he got beat round the head by the other S.T.A.R.S. members present. "We know that you fool!" Edward hissed. "RUDOLPH! IT'S TIME TO PAY FOR YOUR WRONG-DOINGS TO HUMANITY, YOU UMBRELLA SPY!" Enrico suddenly bellowed out as he laid eyes on Richard. "… Fuck my life," Richard groaned and he threw a pen from a nearby desk at his captain as Enrico made to charge at him, Enrico falling on the ground unconscious once more as it him in the head. Wesker just blinked and stared incredulously from where he was against the wall and watching the scene before him with disbelief and great amusement. "… I'm surrounded by idiots," he sighed again as he shook his head. Before anyone could do anything else however, they all looked up at the door as with a loud roar of "WESKER!", Forest came storming into the room, still dragging the vending machine behind him.

"BETSY AND I WANT A COFFEE, AND WE WANT IT NOW!" he continued. Wesker just smirked at him. "Ooh, coffee. I've been dying for a drink all evening," Jill sighed as she walked up to the machine. "Yeah, so have we," Rebecca, Richard and Brad agreed as they followed her, inserted some money, and a moment later steaming hot cups of instant coffee were in their hands as they took their drinks and began sipping happily at them. Forest just stared at them with his eyes wide and his jaw dropped. "… WHAT?!" he screeched as he went up to the machine again, put in some more money, and waited. The machine beeped before another message was displayed on the screen: _Captain's use only. Forest Speyer, one more time from you and this machine will self-destruct, you ignorant cretin. _Forest blinked. "….. DAMMIT!" he yelled as he fell to the floor, sobbing and clutching Betsy to him tightly. Everyone just looked at him before turning back to the door as Kenneth and Barry came hobbling in, Kenneth on his crutches again and completely bandaged once more from head to foot, and Barry wincing and huffing as he ambled forwards with his walking chair. "Yes that's right, I'm _finally _here thanks to absolutely NO help whatsoever from you group of selfish, arrogant brats!" Barry cried out, shaking his fist threateningly at the other S.T.A.R.S. members in front of him. Brad and Joseph quickly shied away as they saw Kenneth searching the room for them. "Where are those idiots? I'LL KILL 'EM! OW!" Kenneth yelled as he tripped over a cable near the door. No one paid him any mind. They were still gazing at Barry. Or rather, his forehead. Jill gave an awkward laugh and sipped at her coffee like nothing happened as they turned their gazes back to her, silently inquiring why the words "Jilly-poo was here" were on the old man's head. "I got bored," she shrugged. "… Ah…" everyone nodded slowly. Wesker facepalmed and tried to ignore the new headache that was quickly forming.

"Hey captain, the infinite rocket launcher is a pretty good weapon to use for that boss fight…" Chris suddenly spoke up as he walked over to the monitors and looked at the "You Are Dead" screen that was currently being displayed. "Really?" Wesker asked, walking over to the monitors as well and looking quite hopeful. The other S.T.A.R.S. members just looked on in complete and utter disbelief. "Yeah, certainly helped me during that," Chris replied, nodding. Wesker smirked. "Thank you Christopher. You have just prolonged your life for an extra seven minutes," he said, beating Chris over the head with his elbow. "OW!" Chris cried out, whimpering as he gripped his head. "Anyway," Alpha team's captain announced loudly as he turned around and looked back at the others, "Now probably _would _be the time to go over an insanely rehearsed speech about world domination and the brilliance of my own cunning in working against Umbrella, even though I'm working _with _them, but honestly with the amount of money Capcom pays me, I can afford to do whatever I want. So I'm going to say screw this, I have a headache, I'm going to press the self-destruct button, run away and leave you all here to die in a fiery explosion, and then I'm set up for life for the next ten years. Any questions?" everyone looked to each other and shrugged before turning back to him. "Good," Wesker concluded, smiling before reaching out a hand and hovering it over the red button on the desk.

"Uh, before you do that captain… what's with this?" Richard asked as he pointed to the dead Tyrant on the floor. "Don't even ask," Wesker said warningly. Richard blinked before shrugging. Just then, the sound of sudden slow, heavy footfalls in the corridor outside made everyone quickly look up and turn their heads to the door, wondering what the hell was going on this time. "What _is _it?" Barry asked as he hobbled forwards with his walking chair. Jill beat him round the head again. "OW MY SPLEEN!" the old man cried out as he gripped his head. Chris giggled and he walked up to the grumbling old man and poked him in the shoulder. Barry took one look at him and whacked his walking chair clean around Chris's head. "OW!" Chris cried out painfully once more as he gripped his head again. No one paid this any mind though, as at that moment, the thing that had been making all the ruckus in the corridor outside entered the laboratory. The S.T.A.R.S. member's jaws dropped as they beheld the sudden sight of a towering creature dressed in a leather trench coat and boots, and carrying a ginormous rocket launcher over its shoulder. "_S.T.A.R.S._!" the creature bellowed.

"Nemesis, what are you doing here? You're not meant to show up for another two games!" Jill hissed sharply as she looked at it. Nemesis paused for a moment before blinking as well as it could with its butchered up face. "S.T.A.R.S.?" it asked. Jill sighed. "_Yes_," she hissed again. "S.T.A.R.S.!" Nemesis growled. "What? Capcom sent you in?" Jill blinked incredulously. Nemesis nodded. Jill looked around at her fellow teammates, who were all staring at her as if she had some type of disease for evidently being able to understand monster-speech. "NEMMY!" Brad called out as he suddenly sprang up and raced up to the creature, his arms spread wide. Nemesis turned and immediately smiled as well as it could smile with its butchered face, and began stomping quickly towards Brad. "S.T.A.R.S.!" it cried out joyfully as the two met and threw their arms around each other in one big monster hug. "Wow…" Joseph blinked. Everyone else present just looked onwards with expressions that clearly stated that they were thinking the self-destruct button was a very good idea right now. "Ok… I'm going to push this… _right now_…" Wesker said quietly as he lowered his hand down towards the button more. "Go right ahead captain," everyone else murmured.

And he did so. As soon as his finger hit the switch, the sound of faint sirens blaring in the distance filled the air. "_The self-destruct system has been activated, all personnel must evacuate immediately. There will by no means be any mutated test subjects racing out to give you a hug—I mean, racing out to capture you and bring you back to Umbrella—I MEAN, trying to prevent you from escaping. No. None whatsoever. I'm going to go home right now and act like I didn't give away any important plot-lines. Capcom don't pay me enough for this_," the electronic woman's voice sounded over the intercom system. "I like hugs," Kenneth spoke up hopefully from where he was trying to disentangle himself from the cords he had tripped over. "OW!" he cried out a moment later as he managed to fall back over them again. "SHE SAID UMBRELLA!" Enrico bellowed as he snapped his eyes open, jumping to his feet and his eyes (yes, his _eyes_) frothing with rage as they darted back and forth, before widening completely in horror as he landed his gaze on Nemesis.

"DEMON OF THE UNDERWORLD! USURPER OF HUMANKIND! SLAVE OF THE LABORATORY OF YOUR VILLAINOUS OVERSEERS, MAINLY RICHARD—OW DAMN YOU UMBRELLA!" Enrico cried as he gripped his head, Richard having painfully beat him over the back of his skull with his handgun. The latter paused though and blinked in confusion. "Wait… you called me 'Richard'," Richard started slowly, as if unable to believe his own ears. "Of course I did, Aiken. That _is _your name after all, isn't it?" Enrico huffed indignantly. Richard blinked again. "Yeah, but… that's the first time you've ever said it," he continued slowly. Enrico stared at him like he was insane. "You're an idiot, Reece," he scoffed. Richard just growled and beat his captain round the head again, the paranoid maniac slumping to the ground unconscious once more. It was then that Richard looked up to see that he was the only one left in the laboratory. Everyone else had promptly made their escape when Enrico woke up. "… Shit," the young Bravo member sighed as he span around and began sprinting as fast as he could towards the emergency exit, all the while various test subjects and monsters began jumping out of ventilation shafts behind him, asking if Richard could give them a hug.

* * *

"Is that everyone?" Wesker asked as Rebecca and Joseph got up into the helicopter, the two being the last of the others to reach it. "I think so… wait, there's Richard now," Edward spoke up as he pointed to the figure of the young Bravo member racing towards the aircraft. He was helped on board by the others and breathed a sigh of relief as he sat himself down. "Wait, what are you doing here? Weren't you meant to have faked your death, only to come back after a few minutes of us leaving and then race away with your newfound superpowers and therefore escape the mansion explosion and leave us to wish that Capcom chose us to be endowed with those breathtaking abilities, o wise-and- infinitely-so-much-better-than-I lord?" Chris asked in confusion as he looked at his captain. Wesker blinked.

"… Yeah… see, this is why you have the mental and physical attributes of a gorilla, Chris," he said slowly. "Any cretin with half a brain, which, I might add, is half more of a brain than what you have, would be able to figure out that 'a'… I already killed Tyrant and injected myself with that virus, making the need to "fake my death" irrelevant, 'b'… I actually DO have a home life and it's not all the "plot this, plot that, kill S.T.A.R.S., kill Chris, kill Jill, take over the world and make myself a god" crap, you know. I have more important things to do like… 'researching', uh… various… gaming… series. And I'm taking the helicopter home as a big 'screw you' to Capcom, and 'c'… that awe-filled attitude of yours at my might is quite befitting of your status. In other words, yes, I _am _infinitely far more superior than you mere 'humans', and don't you forget it," he finished, folding his arms across his chest and smiling smugly.

"Will you hurry up and get this damn thing flying already, you idiot? My haemorrhoids are playing up again!" Barry grunted as he ignored the conversation and shoved Edward in the back with his walking chair. "AOOW!" Edward screeched in a very Michael Jackson-y screech, and began moonwalking to the front of the craft and he got in the pilot's seat and began preparing the chopper for flight. "Uh… where's Brad?" Jill asked as she looked up from her compact mirror stashed away in the back of the pilot's seat, pausing as she did so to quickly admire her reflection again, and then turning her attention back to the others. "OW!" Kenneth roared as she closed the latch and ended up getting Kenneth's hands jammed in the seat as well. "Sorry guys, I'll be heading home with Nemmy tonight," Brad called out as he and Nemesis began approaching the chopper. The two waved, and the other S.T.A.R.S. members just blinked and waved awkwardly back. "ROCK ON MAN!" Joseph called out, pumping his fist in the air as he waved at his buddy. "KEEP IT FROSTY, FROSTIE!" Brad yelled back, giving his mate a thumbs-up. "YOU KNOW IT!" Joseph yelled back. "S.T.A.R.S.!" Nemesis put in. Everyone just blinked again and promptly facepalmed as Joseph jumped out of the chopper and chest-bumped Nemesis and Brad, consequently getting sent flying against the side of the aircraft from the sheer strength of which Nemesis chest-bumped him back. "Get in you idiot," Wesker growled to the young Alpha member as he yanked him up by the neck and threw him inside.

Meanwhile, no one noticed Forest carefully reaching round for Richard's cup of coffee and cackling away to himself and crooning to Betsy as he began sipping satisfactorily at the long-awaited beverage. "Soon my precious… yes… yes… they stole it from us… but we'll gets it back... we _will_" he gurgled in his throat, sounding even more remarkably like Gollum from Lord of the Rings with each passing second. He then howled in pain as Joseph snatched the coffee cup from his hands and dumped it over his head. "Edward? Do you think you could hurry up a little there?" Rebecca asked hurriedly as she leant on the back of the pilot's seat. Edward jumped up in his chair and screeched a Michael Jackson solo before clutching his chest and spinning around to face her, his face livid. "Girl! You do NOT interrupt the driver when he's trying to concentrate!" he roared. "I was in the middle of a VERY important and complex dancing manoeuvre! And you jus—" "EDWARD GET THE GODDAMN CHOPPER FLYING! ENRICO'S COMING!" Rebecca screamed over him as she pointed frantically out the window of the aircraft. At this, Richard squealed in a rather 'manly' fashion, blanched, and ducked under the fold-out seat of the chopper, shaking and trembling.

Sure enough, with a monstrous roar of "GET BACK HERE YOU UMBRELLA SPIES!" Enrico Julia Marini raced up from the building to the S.T.A.R.S. members while Edward hastily dived for the controls, the chopper whirring into life and rising steadily upwards. "HURRY UP YOU CRAZED LUNATIC OR WE'LL ALL BE MADE INTO SANDWICHES! HE'S INSANE!" Barry yelled, shaking Edward roughly by the shoulders to get him to fly faster and ending up getting Dewey's fist in his face, sending the old man flying backwards. "I know that, you complaining old fart!" Edward hissed. The S.T.A.R.S. members looked through the windows of the aircraft down below at the quickly receding figure of Bravo team's captain, growing smaller with each rise in height of the chopper, and his fist shaking threateningly at those above him. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU TRAITOROUS LAB VERMIN!" Enrico continued to roar, his eyes frothing with rage again. "AND THAT INCLUDES YOU, RANDALL!" "IT'S _RICHARD_!" Richard screamed in annoyance down to his captain below as he peeped his head cautiously out the window of the aircraft. "WHATEVER, RIANNE!" Enrico called back.

Richard just blinked in complete and utter disbelief and knocked himself unconscious with his shotgun. Meanwhile, the roars and incessant ramblings of a certain psychotic captain continued to remain unheeded as Edward, singing in a brilliant (or so he thought) Michael Jackson solo of _Beat It_, made to fly the chopper higher (crying out a moment later as Barry, seeking his revenge, beat the young pilot around the head with his walking chair which was amazingly not confiscated already – Chris then poking Barry in the shoulder again and making Barry almost fall out of the chopper, which then made Wesker beat Chris around the head with his handgun which actually DID make Chris, along with Barry, fall out of the aircraft, the two Alpha members engaged in a fantastic poke-a-thon while hanging for dear life to the bottom rails of the craft, Rebecca taking photos with her phone's camera and Jill passing popcorn around – and the authoress realising this is a terribly long sentence. But Capcom pays her so it's all good). Seeing that his cries and accusations were having no effect, Enrico paused and clenched his hands, his eyes still frothing with wrath as he glared evilly at his teammates above.

"I'll get them for this," he vowed, cursing those above him with intense hatred, "No one… NO ONE gets the best of Enrico Julia Marini! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU WILL ALL RUE THE DAY YOU WE—" he gets cut off as a sudden resounding explosion filled the air and the top of the laboratory and surrounding mansion became engulfed in smoke, ash and flame as the self-destruct system detonated, destroying all evidence of the S.T.A.R.S. member's antics at the Arklay Mansion that night. Alpha and Bravo teams in the helicopter above paused in their game of cards (which they had started as soon as Chris and Barry were hauled back into the aircraft) and gazed down below at the smouldering ruins of the laboratory. "Is… is he… you know?" Joseph asked timidly as he gazed at the wreckage. Everyone promptly ignored the croon of "Betsy… My precious…" from Forest somewhere in the back. There was a continued silence as those present were finding it hard to come to terms that maybe… just _maybe_… they were finally rid of the psychotic madman that had been terrorising them and their families for generations. But then, in one cruel moment, their hopes and dreams had been shattered as with an infuriated roar of "DAMN YOU UMBRELLA!", Bravo team's captain cried out from the debris below, and Edward, with a screeching cry of "AOOOOOOOW!", kicked the chopper into full gear and everyone was carried away, trying to flee the scene as fast as possible.

"Well… let's hope that's the last we see of him…" Jill sighed with relief as the chopper flew into the sunrise which was appearing over the veil of cloud in the distance. Everyone else promptly nodded their agreement. Except for Richard, as he was still knocked out. The S.T.A.R.S. members just shrugged and went back to their game of cards. Meanwhile, the authoress sighed and began typing away at the rest of the story, trying to think of ways of how to get Chris to fall out of the chopper again. "But why _me_?" Chris whined. "Because you're a gorilla," everyone, including the authoress, replied monotonously. Chris looked confused. "… What's a gorilla?" he asked. "Chris, do you know the muffin man?" Forest asked conversationally. "The muffin man?" Chris piped up. "Yes, the muffin man. Do you know the muffin man?" Forest continued. "Yeah, he lives on Drury La—OOOOOOUCH!" Chris yelled as Forest promptly beat him around the head with Betsy.

And so, the S.T.A.R.S. helicopter continued to fly into the steadily rising sun, the fog and rain of the night before washing away all the horrors of the living nightmare the special tactics unit had endured upon entering the terrifying mansion but actually-that's-a-lie-as-terrifying-isn't-even-the -right-word-due-to-Capcom's-failed-upkeep-of-the-p lace-in-providing-a-proper-plotline-because-no-one -died-I-mean-seriously-Capcom-you-could-have-at-le ast-gotten-rid-of-the-really-really-annoying-chara cters-and-I-shan't-name-names-but-Enrico-seems-lik e-a-good-idea-at-the-minute-ok?-And-you-could-have -at-least-given-the-authoress-a-new-typewriter-or- something-because-the-space-bar-doesn't-seem-to-be -working-properly-at-the-minute. Cheers.

"Wow, what a _monster_," Barry spoke up presently as he looked out of the window to focus on the now-clearing ash of the explosion to reveal Enrico faintly in the distance bellowing and roaring at the top of his voice and cursing everything about him, his cries and rants just barely audible over the loud whir of the helicopter's propellers. At this, everyone gave a resounding groan. "WE KNOW THAT YOU FOOL!" they yelled, and a loud "WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO I'M FREE AS A BIIIIRRRRRDDDD-AAAAAHHHH SHI—" filled the air over the sound of Enrico as Barry was kicked out of the aircraft. "Two down, nine to go…" Wesker muttered smugly under his breath. "What was that, captain?" "Nothing. Shut up," Alpha team's leader snapped back as he answered the questioning gazes thrown his way by his 'teammates'. And so, left with no doubt that Capcom was the real perpetrator here, the S.T.A.R.S. crew headed back over to Raccoon City, the Arklay Mountains safe once more from the threat of a totally not-complete-and-utter-madman running on the loose and screaming "UMBRELLA" at the top of his lungs.

THE END.

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**Aaaaand that's that! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it :D Reviews are much appreciated. Have a nice day :D**


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